Hopes and Screams **Carlisle** - 01/26/05

[esme]

Esme hurried to the car unlocking it without breaking stride knowing that Carlisle wouldnt be far behind her. She slipped into the drivers seat and started the engine taking in a deep breath and letting it out slowly. She knew she still had to keep her resolve, at least until they were further from the house. She could feel herself cracking, but it had to be nothing compared to how Carlisle must be feeling. He had so much put on his shoulders and it broke her heart seeing her mate this way. But no matter how much she just wanted to drive off and take him away from it all she needed to help Alice. They were a family and Alice was her sweet little daughter, she had to do everything possible to remain strong for all of them.

As soon as Carlisle was in the car Esme pulled out, tyres screeching as her foot pushed hard on the accelerator. Esme wasnt normally one to drive overly fast, not like Edward or Alice, but she felt the need for it today. She wanted to get to the Hospital as soon as she could and get back before things got any worse. Her fingers tapped on the wheel as she drove, impatient, wanting the car to go faster even though they were flying down the small roads at well over 100mph. She wondered if anything would have been different if they had forced Edward to stay longer at the Isle, or if they had stopped Alice going after him. Thousands of 'what ifs' raced through her mind as her grip tightened on the wheel.

She felt as Carlisle reached out and put his hand on her shoulder, and she suddenly realised what she was doing, relaxing her grit on the slightly distorted wheel. She sighed and raised one hand to his, stealing a glace for a moment. 'Do you really think she will be okay?' She knew he had promised, but she didnt need it to be sugar coated, she needed to know the truth. 'I want to know the truth Carlisle... Is there a chance we might... Lose her?' Her voice faultered as she spoke, hardly able to believe what she had just said. How could they lose their beloved Alice? What would become of their family then? Edward would go wild, god only knew what would happen to Jasper...

It wasnt long before they were pulling into the hospital car park. She parked in Carlisle's reserved spot and cut the engine. It was like some horrible nightmare, but it couldnt be because Vampires didnt sleep. Though part of her was still hoping it was some mistake and she would wake up and everything would be fine. She stepped out of the car opening the trunk and pulling her suitcase out, putting it on the back seat to clear room for anything that Carlisle deemed was needed. She shut the trunk and closed her eyes for a moment, it really had to be some sick nightmare...

[carlisle]

By the time Carlisle had made it from his son's arms,across the tiled floor of the kitchen, out the door of glass and down the stairs to the driveway, Esme had already started the car. The vehicle purred softly, in the not so distant distance, it's soothing noise such an opposite from the chaos of thoughts that battled for ground in his mind. The almost-permanently overcast Washington sky reflected back from the polished and gleaming galaxy gray surface of the metal. Speeding his steps Carlisle made his way to the passenger side and opened the door, closing it softly behind himself after he sat in the plush leather seat.

While the colors and weather of the world outside was painfully void of emotion the atmosphere inside the car was almost crackling with intensity. Before he could turn to his wife and speak or even adjust to the curves of the seat, Esme was pulling out of the driveway, her foot to the floor. An acrid smell made it's way to his nose as the squealing of tires reached his ears. With practiced ease his wife guided the car up the long and winding driveway to the road beyond. Esme never drove like this. It was something that the children, or even he upon occasion, would take joy in. These speeds, which to vampires was simply like breathing was to humans, never held a call to her, never bringing her excitement. There was no elation in the way she drove, either, simply pure, unbridled need. Need to get to the hospital and to be back already, need to know that their child was alright.

Carlisle's brow furrowed deeply and a frown fell across his features. It was as if his beloved was a piece of precious silk, stretched so taught that it threatened to tear. “Darling?” He asked, looking toward her, as she stared steadfastly at the road, her vision not moving from whatever she saw. Since she had failed to respond, Carlisle tried once more, “Esme.” He stated this time, no longer asking, for he wanted to bring her back from wherever her thoughts held her prisoner. His cherished wife was as solid as he, unyielding and steady, except when it came to children, more specifically her own. Since she lost her infant son all those years ago, the subject had become a fragile one. When Edward had decided to leave, abandoning his family, Carlisle didn't think Esme would survive. While she tried to be strong for both the young man and her husband, Carlisle saw through and knew the truth.

At least then Edward left by choice, he had been alive and well, if not cruel to the family that cared for him. Now, with this, Alice was unwell and there was seemingly nothing anyone could do about it. He had no idea what would happen to the woman beside him if their child was not to pull through, much less what would happen to himself. His vision was drawn to the steering wheel by a low groan and the creak of leather. Gently Carlisle raised his hand to his wife's shoulder, giving her a soft squeeze. Luckily it had the intended effect and her eyes broke from the road and locked with his briefly, her hand coming to lay on top of his own.

Her voice broke the tense silence of the car, and he nodded. “Yes,” He offered, his thumb running over the back of his wife's hand. “I think that she will be fine.” Esme's next question had been one that Carlisle had been dreading. The truth was that he didn't know the answer, but the doctor in him screamed that death was always a possibility. That yes, they might loose the light of their lives, and be forced into unending darkness. For the first time in their married lives, Carlisle did something he swore he would never do. He lied to his wife. How could he do anything else? The truth was too much for him to bare, and to watch Esme's face and to hear her voice crack at the mere mention of the possibility. No, lying was the only option.

“No,” He answered firmly, no hint of doubt in his voice, a hint of a smile tugging at his lips. The same smile that many of his terminal patients saw. The same smile he wore when children were dying. The same smile he wore when he lied into the eyes of children whose parents would never return. “We won't loose her. It couldn't happen.” He rubbed her shoulder, flicking her hair playfully. “We'll get through this, you'll see.”

Then they were in the hospital parking lot, in his private spot and he was grateful for the opportunity to remove himself from the aluminum framed vehicle. Exiting the car he walked to Esme's door, opening it for her like the gentlemen that he was. “I'll be right back.” He said, voice low as he pressed a kiss to her forehead.

Since he had arrived, Carlisle practically owned the hospital. It was that way at many of the hospitals he worked at over the years. He had centuries of training and never made mistakes or got tired. Carlisle was the perfect doctor, and even though none knew of his difference, they all some him as something wonderfully different. A piece of medical perfection. As a result, no one tended to question him or what he did. Being the man he was, Carlisle had never used that to his advantage before, however, at this time, he would smile, lie and nod to all the individuals that crossed his path in order to get what was needed.

First he headed to his office, taking up the duffel filled with his spare clothing and emptying it in the closet without ceremony. His next stop was the small blood bank that was in the basement, next to the morgue. A good location for two reasons. It stayed a chilled temperature down there and people tended to avoid the dead. Feeling like he was purchasing food for a pet, Carlisle selected different types from different genders, ages and ethnicities; eight bags in all went one by one into the bag. A brief feeling of guilt flashed through him. He was, after all, stealing from those who were in need. But his daughter was also in need, in his mind, more so than anyone else in the world. It was amazing how morals could be skewed when one's family was in trouble.

It wasn't until the doctor was leaving the structure that he was stopped by a co-worker. If his heart still beat, it would have been pounding. Instead, ever the charmer Carlisle smiled and gave a small wave. “Good afternoon Justin.” He called in greeting to the short raven haired man that approached.

“Dr. Cullen.” The young doctor said, “I thought you weren't working this week?” He inquired, brows risen in a questioning glance.

“I'm not.” Carlisle replied with a wink, “Just sneaking in to retrieve my spare clothing. I forgot to bring them home the other day.” With a gesture he indicated the bag in his hand.

“I hate it when that happens.” Justin responded with a smile and a nod, “You coming in tomorrow?” He asked, his tone taking on a conversational manner. While Carlisle never minded talking with the people that worked for him, he had other things on his mind. As such, the doctor began to head for the door, still facing the man he was speaking to.

“No.” Carlisle answered, “I think I'm gonna take a few more days off.” He added conspiratorially, smiling as best as he could manage for the torment that was going on in his head.

“Alright then, see you later.” The young man said with an answering smile, “Enjoy the rest of your vacation!” He called as he walked away, heading toward the cafeteria.

Feet hurrying Carlisle made it to the car in minimal time, laden duffel bag in hand. “Ready?” He asked, pressing a duplicate kiss to the one he had mere minutes before, looking at the woman he loved, hoping that all of this would be over soon.

[esme]

The normally calm collected Esme was no where to be seen now. She had found herself tapping the wheel impatiantly waiting for Carlisle. She was trying to focus on something un important, she was still within range of the house and she feared Edward might be listening. She thought of anything and everything, the stain on the carpet in Rosalie and Emmetts room, the cobweb she had noticed hanging from the ceiling in the kitchen as Alice lay there... Their precious Alice... She gritted her teeth and took a deep breath as she changed her thoughts again, she was relieved when Carlisle got in next to her. When Alice had been dealt with, then she would find refuge in her mate arms. Until then they needed to act fast.

As soon as Carlisle shut the door she was off. The small winding roads flashed past them as she sped down towards the hospital, towards the blood that would help their daughter stay strong, at least for a little while. Although Esme never drove this fast she was proving she could easily give Edward a run for his money in a race. Just because she didnt drive fast didnt means she wasnt good at it. She would normally take time to enjoy the scenery as she drove, but today was different. The trees flew past in a blur, skillfully over taking any cars they came by with ease only a vampire could manage. She had never felt the thrill of driving fast, there was no thrill for her now, only fear, fear of losing Alice. Fear of losing yet another child.

She tried focusing on anything except why they were heading to the hospital, but she couldnt fool herself. She avoided the hospital where possible, for many reasons. Firstly the hospital was Carlisles domain, he didnt need her being there and distracting him. He was good at what he did and when he was there he needed to concentrate on his patients. Secondly she didnt have the willpower that her mate had around blood, although she had never tasted human blood thanks to Carlisle, blood was still a temptation to her. Carlisles will power, being able to be around humans who were badly wounded and bleeding was amazing. Esme knew she wouldnt be able to handle it. Thirdly and lastly the hospital brought back the bad memories, memories of her abusive past, of her lost son, and of her death. Although the memories of her past and death were memories she shared with Carlisle the reasoning behind it all was still so painful. She was so lost in her thoughts she hadnt even heard her mate calling her name.

Her son... It had been such a long time since she had dug up those memories. The world was a cruel place, she had finally gotten free from the shackles that was her mortal marriage, she was free and she was going to have a child. How could she have asked for anything more? She had a teaching job that she loved, something she had always wanted to do. She was finally living her life, then it was all cruelly taken from her. She wondered if she had done something differently perhaps her son would have lived. Had she done something wrong? She remembered the blind panic, seeing her boys small body in her arms, not breathing, limp and dead. Her teeth gritted tightly as she remembered it all, how she had delicately buried him through her floods of tears, how she had climbed up the slopes to the top of the cliffs. She was looking for release from the cruel world she was apart of. She didnt even remember jumping, her next memory was being held in Carlisle's arms feeling the burning venom pulse through her veins. She had thought she was dead, how else could she have been alive, being held by the man she had fallen in love with all those years ago... Who looked just as young as the day she met him as a young foolish teenage girl?

Feeling Carlisle's hand on her shoulder brought her back down to earth. Her loving mate, she was being so selfish. He needed her to be strong and she was falling apart, she had only just arrived in the situation, but Carlisle had been dealing with it from the beginning. The touch of this hand, of his thumb running over hers relaxed her slightly. She knew that no matter what Carlisle was there to support her, just as she would always be there to support him. She only hoped what he said about everything being fine was true, Alice was the one who could tell the future and from what she was currently seeing wasnt good at all. She trusted Carlisle, but in this situation no amount of reassurance was going to calm her fears completely.

She relaxed a little further as Carlisle said they would not lose her. She didnt know how she would cope losing another child, she didnt know how the family would cope. Edward would be hit just as hard as her and Carlisle. Jasper was another thing completely, Alice was his rock and soul mate, who knows how he would react if he lost her. A soft sad smile came to her lips as he flicked at her hair, her family was everything to her. However Carlisle was everything and more, her true love, soul mate, her saviour in her darkest hour. Just like Alice had to Jasper, Carlisle had brought Esme hope.

Esme watched as Carlisle rushed into the hospital, she had no desire to follow him, she would only get in his way. Plus it would look odd for the couple to go waltzing into the hospital heading straight to the blood bank. Once she had emptied the trunk she climbed back into the car and looked at the warped wheel sighing slightly. She did what she cold to twist and bend it back, taking tie over it hoping it would take her mind off where she was and why. Though it didnt take long and Esme knew she had to be patient. She knew Carlisle would be just as frustrated having to move at human speed, but it had to be done.

Esme had never thought she would ever see a day where her mate had to be a doctor for their family. If there had been a fight, then maybe she could understand, but there was something very wrong with all of this. She knotted her fingers together waiting for Carlisle to return, she didnt understand what was going on, but then again she knew that Carlisle didnt either. Although it sounded wrong, she was glad she wasnt the only one in the dark. She hoped that Alice, Jasper and Edward were holding up okay at home. Though she yearned to just be alone with Carlisle she also needed to be with her family, knowing Alice would be okay.

She watched a people walked around the parking lot, heading into the hospital. She felt agitated and was doing something very human, she was figiting. She sighed lightly as she rubbed her eyes gently, what she wouldnt give to be home, holding Carlisle in a loving embrace. Their moment that afternoon had been so brief and she had missed his company so much that she felt like he was starting to crack. HAving been away from him had been hard and she knew it was the same for him, perhaps even worse with all that had happened. Once Alice had been fed, once everything was calmer, then she would steal him away for the moment they both craved.

She let out a sigh of relief as she saw Carlisle heading towards the car. She was greatful that he seemed to have gotten what he needed without any drama. She knew soon they would be home and Alice would be getting what she needed to stay strong. Her eyes met his as he gently kissed her again and she gave hima sad, yet loving smile 'As ready as I'll ever be.' She started the engine and pulled out carefully, not wanting to draw any uneeded attention, though as soon as they were onto the roads she accelerated. She wanted to get home and to Alice as soon as they could, hoping that things would get better.

'Have any trouble?' her eyes flickered from the road to Carlisle. She reached her hand to take his an squeezed it lightly, she had calmed some in the car alone. She was going to do everything in her power to help her mate and family through this, for their sake, but also for her own. 'We might need another holiday after this' the corner of her mouth curled upwards lightly. To be totally honest a holiday just the two of them would be welcome. But with leading a human life came responcibility.

It once again didnt take her long to get back home, they hadnt been gone long at all and that she was thankful for. She knew that Carlisle would head straight to Alice, though Esme was thinking that Edward needed some parent time too. Plus she didnt think she would be able to cope seeing what would happen. She knew Alicewasnt going to make things easy, what with the way she reacted to the plan in the first place. At least Jasper would be there to help.

As she parked the car her grip tightened slightly on Carlisle's hand a he went to get out of the car. Her eyes met his, over flowing with emotions, sadness, worry and love. She needed that moment, just one as she pulled him to her and she kissed him. Her hands wrapped around his neck as their lips pressed together. She felt bad for stealing this moment, she knw their family needed Carlisle, but for that brief moment she needed him to. She parted the kiss after a long moment, her hand moved to caress his face gently as she whispered 'I love you Carlisle' she smiled sadly then released him, knowing that their family needed them.