A Cursed Life -Edward Cullen

[Edward Cullen]

January

Saturday, 1st, 2005

Another year has started and so has another journal, so many books litter my room now that sometimes I even wonder why I keep journals at all. After all our vampiric memories are photographic, we forget nothing of our cursed lives. Then again as I have learned over the years, these pages hold comfort when I write in them. Knowing that there is no one for me to share my pain these pages take the pain away, for a short time at least. I can only hope that this year, like others in the past, pass without incident. For now we have escaped the dreary life at Forks, we have spent the Christmas holidays on Isle Esme, away from humans and in a place we can just be ourselves. The holiday seems a welcome break for the family, though it is mainly spent apart. Naturally this means I have a lot of time to myself to dwell on how meaningless my existance is, however I cannot bother my siblings, nor Carlisle and Esme, it wouldnt be fair.

So instead I write in this book in the hopes the days will pass without incident. Alice and Jasper remain their odd selves, they spend a lot of their time alone along the beach. Emmett and Rosalie barely leave their room except to let the maid in there to fix the mess they create. Carlisle and Esme spend their time as they see fit, which leaves just me. I have spent most of the week on my own on the beach, watching the days go past. Watching the waves can be calming, but I already miss the little things from being around humans... Listening to their thoughts and watching their short pointless lives. The only thoughts I get here are of my family and I hate listening in on them, I respect their privacy and if anything their current thoughts are depressing for someone on their own like me.

Occationally I get the odd thought thrown in my direction, Carlisle worrying about how I am holding up, or Alice offering encouragement. Otherwise they leave me to myself, my mood had been getting steadily worse over the past few years. I have stopped doing many things that I once did, like playing the piano, much to Esmes dissapointment. I cannot find the emotion in me to play anything other than drole tunes, which is something none of my family want to hear. I dont think I have touched the keys since we arrived in Forks, the constant moving from place to place is starting to get to me, there is nothing to look forward to. At least everyone is settled, Carlisle has a good job, not that we need the money, of course we are ignored or stared at in school, nothing new there. So it starts yet again, another school, another graduation, then another town.

Monday, 17th

I simply couldnt take it any more, I packed my bags and left the Isle leaving my family behind. I was careful to leave it all last minute so Alice wouldnt see what was going on until I left. I couldnt take staying on the Isle with the happy couples any longer, the break had been welcome at first but I have decided I have been away from Forks for too long. I dont read the minds of my family out of respect of their privicy, however its starting to get to me. I need distraction that comes from listening in to humans and their silly troubles. I know that Alice had been sensing that something like this might happen. Out of all of my siblings she is the one who is closest to me, however as always her attentions are directed at Jasper, not me. It wasnt hard with her distracted to book the plane tickets home, I look forward to my solitude away from their thoughts.

The plane was fairly full, but I managed to get a seat all the same, I will arrive back home in time for school tomorrow. They will probably be shocked to see me back, it should make for some interesting thoughts. Its a wonder the school hadnt been on the phone to Carlisle every day asking when we would be back, or the hospital. Then again all of us passed every class with little effort, we have been there a thousand times already. It wont take long to know exactly what we missed and as for Carlisle... Well he would go back when the hospital said they really needed him. I know that Carlisle cant bare to stay away too long, he enjoys his work, no matter how hard it can be. I only hope that now I will feel more settled, I know for a fact that Alice will be watching over me, on Carlisle's orders and also because she will be worried. Its only Forks though, its not like anything EVER happens in Forks.

Tuesday, 18th

So much for nothing ever happening in Forks. The plane had arrived an hour late which was starting to test my hunger. This left me little time as I sped to school bypassing the house. I had kept my books in the car during the holiday, it wasnt as if I needed to study at all. I arrived at school in time for class, slipping into my normal seat in the back, which I wasnt suprised to find still empty. Thats where I noticed him, a new boy I had never seen before but smelled immediately. Another Vampire was there in class with me. My eyes scanned the chairs until I saw him talking to one of the other students. He had noticed my entrance and he knew exactly who I was, this alone was cause for alarm. Then his thoughts made reference to my eyes, he wasnt one of us, that much was apparent, though he had contacts in to hide what he was. It took all my willpower to not confront him there and then, but I waited, If I did anything there it would look odd. I cornered the boy in the bathroom, his name was Zavier and he claimed to be there looking for peace away from his old life. I could not fault his every thought, but I still dont trust him. I will have to talk to Carlisle at a later time, I am sure that Carlisle will know what to do with the newcomer.

As I expected Alice had been keeping tabs on me, I wasnt suprised when I found her in the Cafeteria waiting for me. However I was suprised to find another girl there, not a Vampire, but she wasnt human that was for sure. Alice... Ever the oddball around humans was talking to her, to be honest I didnt have the patience to deal with them, I told Alice we were going home and the girl decided to follow... Alice however had reassured me that the family were coming home, that was good, I would let Carlisle deal with the new girl. I was thankful that she had come back, she had seen Zavier in a vision and that had worried her. Alice... I dont know what I would do without her, she was more than just my sister sometimes. Sometimes I believe that she is the only one that understands me...

So my first day back in Forks gave me what I had been missing, something to concentrate on. The new vampire in town, along with the new girl were bound to keep me on my toes. However I hoped I made myself clear that if they put one toe out of line I would be after them. I wouldnt let them destroy what our family had. We are all home now, bar Esme who had stayed behind to sort out a few loose ends before coming back. At least I wont be alone in school now, with extra eyes and ears I am sure we will cope. At least I can feel safe in knowing the worst is over, Forks will return to its old boring self soon, I can be sure of that.

Saturday, 22nd

The past few days had been uneventful to say the least, however now I know our lives are truely damned. There had been no trouble from the new comers in town, but Alice had been acting differently. I could tell there was something bothering her, but she had been hiding her thoughts from me. This was unlike Alice and it has been making me more irritated the more that time passed. Alice knew she could talk to me about anything but she was purposefully hiding something now. Today it all came to a head though, today I learned what it was that had been bothering her. The rest of the family were out, it was just me, Carlisle and her in the house. I had been trying to grab thoughts from her all day but all I could get was that she was worried about something, I was guessing that it was a vision of some sort, but she was normally so open about these kind of things. What ever it was she had felt compelled to go and talk to Carlisle about it.

It annoyed me that Carlisle had mentally told me to give them privacy... Though I respected my fathers wishes I cared too much for Alice, I wanted to know what was bothering her. I felt cold as she sat and talked to Carlisle about vampires becoming ill, I didnt understand how she could ask such a thing. Of course then I found out, I heard her scream and I was there instantly by her side... Whether Carlisle wanted me there or not. What I saw chilled me to the bone. Alice, precious Alice was on the blood, tears of blood leaked from her eyes. Something was deeply wrong and it was obvious that Carlisle had no clue as to what had happened. This was what she had been hiding from me, headaches, pains when she saw visions. Could it really be that she was somehow ill? Was it possible that her gift was causing this pain? I dont know the answer and neither does Carlisle, why did this have to happen? And why to Alice?

Carlisle made Alice promise to see him if it persisted and he e-mailed Carmen in Alaska to see if perhaps they knew of anything that could have caused this. Alice seemed convinced of keep this a secret, though I believed it was better for the rest of the family to know I agreed. I promised Carlisle I would keep an eye on her and that I would make sure she was never alone... Why was this happening? I still cant get my head around it. Vampires cant get ill, Vampires dont bleed... There was something very wrong and none of us had a clue what it could be. Despite all of this coming out, Alice is STILL keeping something from me as well. I want to help her, but I am not sure I can if she doesnt open up to me. She is refusing to open up to Jasper as well, I think Alice knows more about the situation than she is letting us believe...

Sunday, 23rd

Yesterday it seems that Alice spoke to Jasper, though she left out any details of what actually happened yesterday. Jasper is on edge and I can feel it when I get close to him, though I believe that Alice is making the right choice in this. He knows she is hiding something from him, he is irritated by it but he seems to trust her words when she says its all fine, I wish I could share that confidence. I can only begin to imagine how Jasper would feel if he knew what had happened, what Jasper feels the family feels, thanks to his gift. However he can sense the unease in Carlisle, I and Alice, Jasper isnt stupid and I can feel his jealousy towards me... Its stupid to think that Jasper would be jealous of me, after all he is Alice's mate, she loves him in a way she would never love me. He knows however that I know whats going on with Alice, the fact that hes being kept in the dark and I know something is making his feelings towards me bitter.

Alice however is trying to remain positive, though not because she sees any hope in her situation, but because she wants to save the rest of the family from Jaspers seeping worry. Alice was always selfless, where as I have always been the selfish one. She cares so much for all of us, how could I not love her? Even if its not the same as a mates love, she is the closest person to me. Sometimes I get jealous of the relationship her and Jasper share, why cant I have anyone like that? Everyone in the family has someone to lean on except me. I know that Carlisle is always there for me, but its not the same. Carlisle is there for all of us, there is no one just there for me. Perhaps its just my selfish side, but I sometimes I wonder if I will ever find someone. Carlisle is sure the time will come when I meet my mate, but I have given up hope.

When Carlisle first changed Rosalie, he hoped that I would take her as my mate. There was no attraction for me, much to Rosalies upset. I sense much bitterness from her, not because I didnt take her as a mate, but because I simply showed no interest at all. Then there was Tanya from the Denali clan in Alaska, I know her thoughts on me, but I simply dont see her that way. Dont get me wrong, both are beautiful, but there just isnt that connection that I see between my fellow siblings and parents. The more that time passes, the more I am convinced I will never find the one, I will never find my mate. I am cursed to a life alone, I dont know how much longer I will be able to take this.

Wednesday, 26th

Why does everything go so horribly wrong? I was starting to hope that Alice's episode was merely a freak incident, I know now I was very wrong and worse... Everyone now knows, including Jasper, the atmosphere in the house is on edge and for the first time ever, we are all scared. Carlisle had instructed to take Alice hunting after school, he wanted to make sure she was never alone and so we all went . I could sense that Alice was on edge with everyone around, she was irritated that she had to be babysitted... I shouldnt have gotten distracted, if I hadnt perhaps she wouldnt have run off. She had snuck off whilst Jasper, Emmett and I were messing around, of course she couldnt out run me. Though by the time I had caught up she had already killed a deer, I feel bad having scolded her for what was about to follow. Right before my very eyes her form twisted and writhed in agony, I heard her scream... I had never heard such a noise come from Alice, it shook me to the very core.

I wasnt prepared for what happened next, Alice had a vision... I saw to too, she had red eyes and was surrounded by dead students at the school. Then she saw her lifeless body on the forest floor... I felt sick, all the while blood poured from her mouth and her eyes, her small body spasmed as she screamed. It wasnt long until Jasper caught up with us, the look on his face, it will haunt me for as long as I am on this earth. He looked at me accusingly, as if I had something to do with this... I know it was because he knew that I knew before that there was something wrong. I had no time to linger though, I knew I had to get Alice to Carlisle, there would be plenty of time later to argue. I remember holding her close, the blood clung to me as I carried her. I held her tightly, yet gently at the same time, as if she might break in my arms. Why did this have to happen to Alice? Why to the only person in my life that seemed to understand me?

I was thankful to see that Esme had returned when I reached the house. At least her comfort would bring some ease to Carlisle, who I could tell was distraught by what he saw. The thoughts in the room as I laid Alice on the kitchen counter bombarded me and it was almost too much to bare. Esme was remembering her human life, when she lost her baby boy, Alice was feeling guilt for letting Jasper see her this way, but also for letting me see what she had been hiding from me, the visions. Lastly was Carlisles frantic thoughts of how to help fix Alice. I feel ashamed for snapping at my parents, they were only trying to help, but Carlisles solution to stabilse her was far from ideal. I could tell that Alice was getting distressed and it only made me feel worse, Carlisle didnt know what she had seen, but even when I told him, he said it might be the only way to keep her alive. Of course Jasper arrived just as Carlisle mentioned about asking the Volturi for help, needless to say he was none too happy, he knew just as well as I did the Volturi wanted Alice for her gift.

Jasper... Once again he was there for Alice whilst I was pushed to the side. I wanted to help her, to make her better, comfort her. But Carlisle made me stand back and let them have their 'moment' before being sent to clean up for 'Jaspers sake.' I knew what was going to happen, Carlisle and Esme headed to the hospital to get human blood for her. Jasper took Alice to clean her up once the blood had stopped flowing and I tried busying myself with getting the blood off me too. Try as I might I couldnt shut out the thoughts in my head, the overwhelming guilt that flooded through Alice and the worry that consumed Jasper. Though what was to come next shocked all of us... Alice had never let herself get so hungry before and the lack of blood had affected her in a very primal way... I had opened my door to see her launch at Jasper sending him flying just as Carlisle got back. This wasnt the Alice we knew, even her thoughts were so primal it scared me.

At Carlisle's orders I kept my distance until I was needed, though now I was alert to Carlisle, Alices and Jaspers thoughts. Of course Alice knew what was coming and it didnt seem she was keen on the idea. I knew that forcing Alice to drink human blood would scare her, I hade seen her vision too so I knew exactly why she was frightened. However I never imagined she would attack Jasper... Even now I can hear her guilty thoughts, she had sunk her teeth deep into his neck and Carlisle had used to oppertunity with Jaspers encouragement to help feed her. Though the blood made her strong and Carlisle needed my help to get her off him. After her blood filled rage Alices guilt swept through her, her shame for having attacked her mate, for nearly having killed him. This wasnt the Alice they all loved and knew and it scares me to think she was capable of such a thing.

The tension in the house has more than doubled, Alice is having trouble even looking at Jasper at the moment. Everytime she looks at Jasper she sees his fresh scare created by her bite. We are no closer to knowing what is wrong with her and now not only Alice is a liability, now Jaspers hunger from being attacked has made him dangerous around humans again. Carlisle has decided that both will stay away from the school, Alice is relieved for this, as long as she stays away her vision cant come true. But the change in her eye colour has made her avoid the mirrors in the home, she is ashamed and frightened by what she sees. I only hope that we find a solution to her condition soon, I am not sure how much I can take... Alice and Jasper still have each other, Carlisle and Esme are coping just... Its just me stuck alone with no more than this diary to share my thoughts and feelings. I dont know how much more pain I can take, the one thing I thought would be with me forever... My family... Is falling apart and theres nothing I can do about it.

Thursday, 27th

Today Carlisle forced me to go to school, I hated him at first for making me leave Alice. Although I knew Jasper was there with her at the moment the only I trust with her is myself. After what happened yesterday Jasper was in no fit state to attend school either, so Carlisle said he would stay home and keep Alice company. I only went on the proviso that if anything happened he would call me, and I promised that if something DID happen school was out of the picture. However todays school day seemed to provide me with adequate distraction away from the events of yesterday. It seemed the vampire wasnt the only new student of interest in Forks since we had been away. I am used to my seat in the corner, next to the window and alone, no one ever sat next to me. Though I found today that it was about to change, her name is Damienne and there was something about her that seemed strange... Not only were her thoughts elusive and mysterious, but her scent caused the venom to rise in my throat. I had never encountered anything like this if I hadnt have fed recently I was sure the very smell of her scent would have sent me out of control. I have tasted human blood and right then and there I wondered for a brief moment how wonderful it would be to drain her blood and taste it.

I managed somehow though, she actually wanted to talk to me which was a miracle in itself, she seemed the shy personal type and didnt seem to be settling all that well in Forks. Her family originally came from La Push which caused some spark of alarm... People from the reserve rarely came to Forks, especially when the Cullens were in town. Then again I figured that if she did know the 'truth' as it were then she would know who I was. There was no recognition, except the fact that she had most likely heard the Cullen name whispered around the school. I am used to people talking about us behind our backs, they know we are different it some way, they just dont know how. As we talked it seemed that we had the same classes, what were the chances of that? Was this some sort of heavenly sign? Though of course it couldnt be, god paid no attention to monsters like me. We talked through out our classes, she was a welcomed distraction to what was going on at home. Though it seemed that Alice had seen something in regards to this girl, though her being at home I couldnt see exactly what it was. What ever it was Alice was perhaps a little too keen to meet her, calling Damienne her 'new best friend to be.' I dread to think what the future held for this girl if she was going to be Alice's new best friend.

The day at school seemed to fly by and to be honest I was rather suprised inviting her out to the local Forks cafe for a study date... I had invited Alice along to, though I kept that minor detail from Damienne. Alice will meet her tonight and hopefully we will be able to clear up just exactly who this girl was and what part she had to play in mine and Alice's future. Plus it will get Alice out of the house, that is always a bonus, I cant help but feel that Alice will be feeling rather down. This little trip should cheer her up, I trust her enough to not try and eat Damienne in a public place. There was something totally wrong and unnatural about the thought of Alice drinking from humans like that, even though I myself was tempted by this girls blood. I dont think Jasper will be very happy that I am taking Alice from him tonight, however I need her right now and neither him nor Carlisle are going to stop me taking her to meet Damienne. They would understand at somepoint, even if it was after. Now I just need to get dressed and call on Alice...