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Post by Damienne F. Renton on Oct 11, 2009 19:16:39 GMT
Saturday, January 1st, 2005
So, I decided it'd be a good idea to start a diary: new town, new school, new start...all that funky jazz. Yeah, I know, I moved like last month, but it seemed slightly pointless to start a diary then, hence why I'm starting one now. Plus, I know I'm not exactly far away from where we used to be, but it's a whole new thing for me. I have to learn to fit in all over again. That's going to be the most interesting prospect, I think, and the most challenging thing about being here...perhaps. Anyway, it's New Years' Day. Me and dad stayed up until gone three this morning and it's about five in the evening now. Dad's just cooking dinner, so I thought I'd take this opportunity to try and get something down because I doubt I will be awake enough to bother to do anything later. We've been having a relatively lazy couple of days. Dad's back at work, but they're all off for New Years', so it makes a change. The old place back in La Push seemed to want him to be available all the freaking time. Seems this new place is a little more considerate as to the time off people get.
It's great living with dad: less interference. Well, I say 'less' sparingly. That's only because the others are STILL sniffing around after something. I'm not even sure what it is tbh. They weren't happy from the moment dad told them he'd found a great house in Forks. It was the Forks thing that bothered them the most it seems, tied in with the fact I would still be living with him and I would have to move with him as well. I think dad knows what it's all about, but I doubt he'd tell me, even if I asked in the nicest possible way...or, if I had to, in the slyest possible way. Anyway, despite all their adverse opinions, I really wanted to move. La Push was just dull and I felt sort of claustrophobic with them all bothering me. Well, except for Dorian and Summer, but that's just how they are. They want me to be who I want to be, not who the others are trying to make me to be. I can't even say it's a shifter thing as to why the others smother me because Dorian's a shifter and he's just letting me be me. They just all need to learn that I can take care of my damn self.
Hopefully, things will quieten down once I start school and finally start to settle. I'm just a little on edge as this is just going to be strange enough without them all trying to drag me back to La Push. I'm mid-way through my junior year and I'm starting a new school...great. Dorian says I should just see this as an 'enterprising opportunity', then again, he's always coming out with some business jargon or other. I do love him to pieces, but, sometimes, work stuff doesn't relate to life stuff...or at least, in this instance, I wish he wouldn't try and do that. It's one of those things, but I wouldn't argue that with him. He's serious about his work and he's serious about his life, so I can't really discount him for what he's trying to preach to me, can I.? Summer thinks it'll be a good restart for me. She realizes it'll be challenging, but she believes in me, just like Dorian says he does. At least I have them behind me...and dad, of course. Anyway, got to go. Dad's calling me: dinner time...followed closely by bed time, I'd wager.
Sunday, January 2nd, 2005
Today was yet another lazy day, but, today, I had to fly solo. Dad was out on a call out, so I had to occupy myself. I got to cook, which I haven't had the chance to do since we moved in. Dad won't let me near the kitchen. He knows I can cook. I just don't see why he wants to keep me out of it. I mean he's had several late shifts, but has insisted on cooking when he got home and he'd banned me from using the cooker before today. Admittedly, we only had pasta because I couldn't face anything else and dad wasn't bothered, so...I won in the choice. I managed to get a few levels of Halo done though. I think I was on dad's save, so he'll have a nice surprise when he goes on it next. It's not like he'll notice. He's good at playing the games, but, sometimes, it's relatively obvious that he has no idea what's going on. Bless him. He tries and, more often than not, fails, but doesn't let on that he does. I love him all the same though. He's my dad after all. I wouldn't amount to much without my dad.
Other than playing video games and making lame pasta, I've been thinking about tomorrow. It's really sort of starting to feel like judgement day or something, y'know.? It's going to be my first day at Forks High School and I really don't know what to expect. I know it's a lot bigger than the school in La Push, so I'm already prepared for getting lost a few times at least. Dad was with me the first time I had to go there and he had a better idea of where we were going than I did. You know it's bad when your dad can navigate your school better than you can. Then again, I think he did say he'd looked into the school before deciding on my transfer. He knew I wanted out of the reservation school. I really did NOT fit in there. All the guys were like Tobias. It was freaky. Plus, everyone just sorta had this look that wondered why the hell I was there all the damn time. Who wants to be reminded that they don't fit in on a daily basis? It was bad enough when I got that at home. I have to keep reminding myself that Forks isn't La Push. Shifters are a La Push thing. They all avoid Forks...strangely...
I don't even really know what I have lined up for tomorrow. I just know I picked a few subjects and that I have to report to the office in the morning, but, to me, at the moment, that doesn't ring any bells or fill me with any confidence. Me and dad tried to get as much stuff as we thought I'd need for school before Christmas, but whether we managed it or not is another thing. My bag is all packed for the morning already and dad's now doing a quick service check on my car, so he can know I got to school safely at least. I don't know why he bothers. He knows it's in good condition. He restored it himself. I imagine I'd be in big trouble if there was an sort of substantial damage or anything. Well, I think that's it for this entry. I don't really have that much to say. I just seem to be able to ramble well. I nearly forgot all about this, tbh, considering everything I have to deal with tomorrow playing on my mind and filling my insides with butterflies. It'll be good to see if I keep this diary thing up. I'm determined to, but that doesn't mean I will. Anyway, g'night.
Monday, January 3rd, 2005
So, it was the big start today. Where the hell do I begin to explain today...? Forks High School certainly is bigger than I thought it would be, even after reminding myself several times on the way over that I'm not in La Push anymore. Forks is a bigger town, why wouldn't it have a bigger school.? It's going to take some getting used to. I did get lost a couple of times admittedly, but that's to be expected, right.? It was an alright day. To say it was anything better than that would be an outright lie tbh. I did spend a lot of the time with my mouth clamped shut. I just couldn't find the will to open up. There was a couple of class where I was made to do an introduction, but I seemed to skim over that on a level that satisfied the teacher, so I think I got away with that one. It's interesting. I had an interview at the school before we moved, so I could look over my timetable and look at subjects. It think I picked some good ones tbh: Biology, Computer Science, English, Calculus, US History and Theatre. Yeah, I guess the last one is kind of out of the ordinary, but I like it.
I didn't really speak to anyone because, like I said, I kept my mouth pretty much shut the entire time I was in there. I just didn't know what to say or who to say anything to. Everyone seemed so settled in what they were doing that it seemed all kinds of ridiculous to try and interfere or anything in anyway. Seems I'm feeling left out again, only with Forks High School, they don't rub it in your face as much. They just don't acknowledge your existence if they can avoid it. Other than that, I've not really got anything to report. Got a bunch of new stuff I need to get that I didn't know about, but that's nothing a trip to Port Angeles won't fix. I'll ask dad about it later...well, tomorrow now. It's kind of late. I already asked Dorian, in fairness, after he called me, wondering how the big first day had gone. I think he knows I didn't have the best kind of first day at school, but I'm sure he'll have some way to cheer me up this weekend. If Dorian went with me, I wouldn't need dad...not that I need anyone to go with me. It's just nice sometimes, y'know.?
I've been reading up on a few things from the notes I got today, hence why this is a very late in the day entry. I'm surprised I can even form coherent sentences. It was like being thrown in at the deep end of a swimming pool and forgetting how to swim...I could have drowned...I've pinned it down to two options, one more likely than the other: either I was fast asleep through all of the classes that I've had so far this year over in La Push or the curriculum in Forks advances on far quicker than we do. I mean I like that it's a faster pace. I seem to have a better understanding, but, right now, I'm that kid that's floundering behind everyone else. I hope I'll be able to catch up. I don't really know anyone to help me. Maybe I could try and talk to someone tomorrow and get something going. I dunno. I really don't wanna spoil any 'balances', so to speak...I know what I mean, even if that didn't make much sense. Anyway, I think that's it from me for today. I need to get some sleep if I'm going to survive tomorrow.
Tuesday, January 4th, 2005
TBCWIHMM
Wednesday, January 5th, 2005
TBCWIHMM
Thursday, January 6th, 2005
TBCWIHMM
Friday, January 7th, 2005
Okay, so it's the end of my first week at Forks High School and, as first weeks go, it wasn't that bad. I mean, I guess it could have been a lot worse...for example, it could have been just like La Push, only on a much larger scale or something. I didn't really talk to anyone, but I can't be sure if that was entirely my fault for keeping to myself or that most of the other people seem to not think I'm worthy of their time. I don't know. Either way, it's been a relatively quiet week, but I have to say it has run smoothly, so I can't complain about that now, can I.? I need to get to know a couple of people soon though, surely, otherwise, I'm just gonna be labelled as some sort of total social outcast and that wouldn't be good. I mean I don't mind being a loner. I'm sure used to that by now, but...I just thought Forks was going to be different...Plus, I do need to find someone willing to help me catch up. I've been told that I'll have someone to help me once the guy who normally sits on the desk I've been placed at (yes, every single teacher told me the same thing...weird, right.?) comes back to school.
Besides the weirdness that is my apparent MIA classmate, I'm definitely gonna have to go into Port Angeles tomorrow and get a few things for school. There's a couple of books I haven't managed to get yet, but I have it on good authority that the book store has them now, which is all good for me. Plus, Dorian's going to meet me up there. He's bringing Sabrina and Lycan too. Yey.! I get to see my nephew. Not seen him since Christmas and he's growing way too fast now. I feel like I'm gonna blink and miss him growing up. Dorian's told me that I don't need to bring everything, that he'll have everything covered. Fat chance I'm gonna let him pay for everything. He's always trying to do that. I know he has the money to do that, but I don't want him spending all his money on me. He has a family to think of...well, a little family of his own to think of, that is. He shouldn't have to splash his cash on everyone else in the family. God forbid if he ever ran out of money. He has expensive tastes now he lives in Seattle.
Hey, look, I'm rambling again.! After I made the decision to keep a diary, the terms I gave myself stated that I should write every day, even if I didn't have anything to say. So there. It's amazing how you can write so much about so little sometimes though, isn't it.? It's one of those amazing things that a human being seems to be capable of. So, Port Angeles tomorrow...oh, yeah, already covered that. Other than that, there's nothing too exciting going on. School Monday through Friday...yeah...'cause that's exciting.! I just wish something good would happen, then I could have a whole bunch of stuff to write. Though, right now, I'm happy to just be able to fade into the background. When anything happens to me, it doesn't tend to be any good and then I'd be left wishing that I could just disappear again. It's a vicious circle, I know. It saves a person from boredom though, right.? On the other hand, it could get me into trouble...I didn't think of it like that before now. Anyway, I'm out. Peace.
Saturday, January 8th, 2005
So, Port Angeles today...that was certainly an experience. I set off pretty early this morning...well, early for me at least...and when I first set off, there was minimal traffic, but it didn't take long for me to get stuck in traffic and it seemed that most of those people were heading for Seattle anyway...way to get in my way, guys.! I think I was more irritable because of the fact that I'd told Dorian I was going to meet him for lunch and I turned up way later than that. Thankfully, he understood. It had given him the chance to make sure that Lycan was all fed and ready for his nap as we wandered around the town. I know I've been to Port Angeles countless times before, but I don't think I've ever seen it be so damn busy and there was a whole bunch of people there that I recognized from La Push. I tried my best to keep my head down. Most in La Push probably wouldn't have noticed I'd gone, but those that had...I had a feeling they might be a little angry or upset about it. Thankfully, I didn't run into any one of my other siblings, so that was good.
I managed to buy everything I need for school now, so there should be no more need to go to Port Angeles again this semester...for school stuff, at least. Maybe when I run out of stationary, but...yeah...that's silly.! Got a lazy Sunday planned for tomorrow, which is all good and dad'll be home all day. Maybe it won't be so lazy then. He'll probably want to go explore the town some more, even though most places will be closed 'cause, well, it'll be Sunday. Bless my dad though. He's really trying to make sure I fit in and get my bearings around this place. He got home late Friday, but he wanted to talk to me about my first week at school, even though he was practically falling asleep where he was standing. I managed to mention my trip to Port Angeles before telling him to go to bed. Then, this morning, he missed me completely, even though we were both up and wandering around at about the same time. It was crazy.! Then again, he had some place to be, I had some place to be...you know how it goes.
Hopefully, he doesn't get a call out tomorrow. I'd really like our father/daughter Sundays back before I get too busy to be able to make time for them. Well, before we both get too busy, I suppose. Dad won't be free every Sunday if he picks up more work and insists on working Sundays, even though it sounds like no one else does, expect on the call outs. He's really trying to make sure that we have enough money to live here. I wish I could help out. It drives me insane knowing that he's paying for everything and I can't even managed to get a simple little job to help him out. I mean if I got a little job, he'd probably stop giving me pocket money. It's not like I need it half the time. Most of it is saved up in a box in my wardrobe. I guess it's there for if I really need it. It's not much, but it would help in an emergency. It is like seven or eight years of saved up money after all. You know it's good when your kid has a head for money and knowing whether there's any need to spend it or save it up. My dad must be so proud.
Sunday, January 9th, 2005
TBCWIHMM
Monday, January 10th, 2005
TBCWIHMM
Tuesday, January 11th, 2005
TBCWIHMM
Wednesday, January 12th, 2005
TBCWIHMM
Thursday, January 13th, 2005
TBCWIHMM
Friday, January 14th, 2005
TBCWIHMM
Saturday, January 15th, 2005
TBCWIHMM
Sunday, January 16th, 2005
TBCWIHMM
Monday, January 17rd, 2005
I love that MLK day means I get to have a day off. It means I can catch up on so much.! Well, that's what I thought this morning. I got up, managed to get showered and throw a whole bunch of stuff into the washing machine and made sure I had all the different loads lined up ready. I was going to do all my damn washing if it killed me. I also planned on doing a bit of reading and this that and the other for school. I say I planned these things as the school stuff didn't really happen. I don't even really know where to begin to catch up. I've managed to do it with Computer Science and Theatre...well, it's Theatre...there is no catch up really. US History isn't that bad either, I guess. Me and dad can happily tear apart the old war films when we know something's even a little bit inaccurate. Though, I can't base my abilities to keep up with the US History class on my forte with all the old war films that dad has. Anyways, I think English, Biology and Calculus are holding me back...in that order, least to most.
The school stuff may not have been done, but I did do all my washing and cleaned up around the house a bit...not that there was much to do. Me and dad seem to be able to keep on top of everything better here than we did in La Push. Maybe it's because we don't get as many visitors anymore. Everyone seems very reluctant to visit us now we live in Forks. That's all fine by me if it means the house stays tidy with minimal effort...anti-social as that sounds. I managed to finish Halo again...that sounds a lot sadder down on paper than it did in my head. I'm a nerd, okay.? Deal with it. I'm a girl, who's way into her video games. It's not THAT uncommon...well, maybe it is around here, but I don't feel strange for it. I'm just different. Forgive me for not conforming...sorry, rant over. That's the sort of arguments that would be held in our old house when I was called out for not being into all the things a girl 'should be' into. I'm sick of people trying to run my life for me, y'know.? I AM WHO I AM, DAMMIT.!
Now that that's out of my system, I actually feel a lot better. I think I better get on with at least a little bit of that reading I mentioned. I've all, but completely given up on doing the Calculus on my own. It's a total nightmare. None of my teachers know when the guy who I'm meant to sit with will be back...which doesn't help me gauge whether I'm going to be able to catch up quick enough for finals or not. I know finals is months away, but I like to be prepared, not waiting until the last minute and cramming like a total slacker. If being prepared makes me an even bigger nerd, so be it. I'm smart (so I'm told). I can't help it. Have you met the family I have to aspire to.? The biggest role model in my life is my dad and...well, not to sound like big headed around the fact that he's my dad, but he's the smartest person I know and he's one of the most successful, Dorian being one of the others. Dorian is the sort of sibling I have to live up to. He's just gone 26 and he has a family and owns his own business already...I don't think I'll make it...
Tuesday, January 18th, 2005
So, as per a suggestion from Bernie, I went to see the school councillor today about my whole 'not fitting in' issue. She didn't seem all that helpful. She was kinda spacey and seemed like she wanted to be some place else. Not exactly top class material, even for a school councillor. Something tells me she's not just the councillor though. There seemed to be a lot going on in that office. Well, when I say there seemed to be a lot going on, she had a lot more stuff than I imagined a councillor should have. Okay, so she's not like a full extreme councillor on like a psychological level, she's more like a student advisor...but still, I didn't imagine her office to be that 'busy'. I know there's a lot of students at Forks, but surely all that stuff is more distracting than having all the different kinds of students milling through there. Anyway, I felt like I was talking to a wall. In fact, I feel like I would have been better off talking to a wall. Afterwards, I was left thinking about how I'd missed English in order to try and see the woman. Total waste of time.
So much for things falling into place now. I just wish they would, then I might be able to get on with catching up with everyone else. I feel so behind. Turns out La Push education isn't all it's cracked up to be in comparison into the Forks High School stuff. I was ahead in La Push, so why am I so far behind here? I wish I could just buckle down with it. Maybe I could get Dorian or Bernie or someone to help me catch up. I don't wanna bother dad with it because he's trying to adjust to life here with his job being as it is...thinking of that, maybe Dorian's not the best idea. Maybe I could see if Auntie Lou is up for a visitor one weekend. She's always been a bright cookie, plus, she's the stay at home wife, so I'm sure she'd have the time...maybe. I don't wanna force myself onto anyone. I just need to catch up and then I'll be able to get on with it. Even if someone helped me catch up and then never spoke to me again. I'd still be able to manage like that. It seems that the school is reluctant to find anyone who can help me though, so I'm gonna have to do it by my own means.
I should have known that the transition wouldn't run smooth. So many people in La Push would often complain about Forks...though, the people that complained tended to be from the Reservation. They always seemed to think they were better than everyone else. No wonder my family never got on with them: they were far too alike for their own good. It really does make me sick to think I'll be like that some day, that I won't care what people think of me because I'll KNOW I'm better than everyone else. I don't even see how they get away with it. I think out of all the people that I know like that, as much as I want to say it's one of the boys from the Reservation, I think Tobias is the worst with that attitude problem. How he functions in a civil environment I can't imagine. I could never imagine how I could deal with him if I wasn't related to him...speaking of him, if he bothers Dad again, he's going to have serious problems. Self contained problems, my ass. If he carries on, I won't care who I tell.
Wednesday, January 19th, 2005
TBCWIHMM
Thursday, January 20th, 2005
Great. Inauguration Day...this means a nice day off from school. Well, I thought it would be a nice day off with my dad, but he seems to be off some place right now and I've ended up writing this so early in the day that I'll probably be oober bored later. This does not bode well for my sanity today. It's strange being at home when I feel like I should be at school. I can't even bring myself to look at any of the work yet. I might do it eventually. It's just a little to early for that I think. I didn't even get a lie in.! I got up when my alarm went off and kinda panicked because I thought I was gonna be late. I was up and out of my bed, wondering what to wear by the time I realised we weren't in school today. It would be nice to have a couple of friends at the school, then I might not feel so bored. I could be off with them for the day instead of being bored to death by all the Inauguration stuff on TV. It's like 'oooh, yey, we have a new President...but we can't just tell you who it is...we have to draw it out in some big fancy way to make you get the point...'
I think we got the point.! Stupid TV companies trying to make money...that's what Inauguration Day has become. No longer is it the time honoured tradition of our fair country (God, that sounded so...patriotic...that's so not like me...). See, if we'd've moved to Scotland like dad had originally thought of, we wouldn't have to deal with it any more. More importantly, we wouldn't have to deal with Tobias trying to drag us back to La Push...well, me more than dad. He seems adamant that I shouldn't be in Forks. What does he know? He's just my brother. It's not like he is actually my dad. He's just coming off as a complete jerk if you ask me. Anyway, I'm not supposed to be making this all about Tobias. He can go to hell. I'm not moving back to La Push. Not for him, not for anyone. It's slightly better here in Forks. Granted, I feel just as isolated and everything at the moment, but I'm new. I need to be given the time to adjust. Tobias sniffing around does NOT help me adjust.! He needs to back off before I smack the dozy S.O.B.
Granted, I know that me smacking him would NOT do as much as I would hope it to do, considering I'd probably break my hand on his stupid face, but I'd certainly feel a lot better for it. Anywayyy, Tobias tangent over. I am not going to fill these pages with rants about that prick. Hopefully, dad will be home soon and we can play video games or something. I wonder where he's gone to anyway. I know for a FACT that he said he had today off. Maybe he did the same as me and got up this morning, thinking he had work, and actually made it to work. Though, if that were the case, I imagine he'd be back by now once he realised his mistake. I wanna make lunch, but I wanna wait for him to come home. I tried messaging him, but he must be busy and/or driving, so I should hope he doesn't message me back. I don't want him getting into an accident or something, just because I want to know where he's gone to. I just wish he'd get back soon. I'm kinda hungry and I'm sooo bored.! I was looking forward to a day with my dad.
Friday, January 21st, 2005
So, as you can see, I didn't end up being that bored later in the day once dad came back. He'd only gone to the store to stock up on stuff for our 'skive day'. That's our new official name for Inauguration Day. Dad will always do his vote, but beyond that, all he wants to know is who gets elected President. He doesn't care about watching all the ceremonies or anything. He never really has, but, then again, his family wasn't originally from the States, so maybe it's just the lack of interest. Either way, it means I get to have a 'skive day' with my dad, which is always fun, especially when he went to the store and bought all sorts of junk food and stuff, which meant we didn't have to leave the couch at all if we didn't want to, except for bathroom breaks, of course. Once we had a neat set of DVDs to watch and video games to play, that was it, we were sorted for the day. It did leave me feeling a bit sick after eating all the junk food, but at least that didn't carry over to today. That would have been awful.
However, I was planning on skipping today. I just wasn't in the mood to be talked at by a bunch of teachers that couldn't even remember my name and would always ask me for an answer when I was paying the least attention. Teachers always seem to do that, don't they.? They'll always pick on the person that looks like they're paying the least attention. It doesn't help that I feel so behind compared to everyone else. My catch up mission really isn't going as planned. I keep putting off the work and just going with whatever we do in class. Maybe if I just carry on with everything in the class, the stuff I missed out on will come to me easier. That's my theory and I'm sticking to it...for now. I just hope it's enough to keep me going for the time being, until I properly get my barings. I wish I could bring myself to speak to at least one person, then I wouldn't feel so damn left out all the time. I'm still wondering who's meant to fill the empty seat next to me that there is every class. The teachers seem adamant that I shouldn't sit in that seat, so there has to be someone, right?
I wonder if it'll be another stereotypical Forks High School student. I've narrowed all the students into one category because, at the end of the day, they all seem to be the same to me. For my sake and sanity, I hope that it isn't. I hope it's some really nice person, who's actually interested in knowing who I am and would help me in my mission to make sure I don't fall behind anymore than I have done because of the change of schools. That would be nice, but it would be just my luck for it to be another self centred and nosey little cretins like all the rest of them seem to be. It's not nice to say that about people I barely know, but coming at it from where I can (from the eyes of a newcomer who feels so out of place), they all just seem like carbon copies of one another, just with slight variations between little cliques and stuff. Okay, so maybe I'm being a little harsh and I'm just being bitter or something, but I can't help, but notice these things when I have nothing else to do with all the time I have to myself.
Saturday, January 22nd, 2005
FINALLY.! THE WEEKEND.! <3 I love weekends, did I mention this.? It means I get to be home alone, which means I'm not being purposely ignored and overlooked at school. At home, people know my name...well, dad knows my name, but he is the only person at home. He is my people. Dorifish called to say he might come down some weekend soon, which is always nice to know that some of the family isn't completely against us for moving to Forks. I wonder how the rest of the family is doing...Dorian will probably know better than I do. I could just ask him when he comes down or something. I know I could easily give a couple of them a call, but I'm still not certain how they'll all be. I know for a fact that Jamie and Stevie will be on the same side as Tobi. They always are. The others...they might be swayed by his idea. I'm sure a couple of them aren't happy with the move, but that will purely be because we moved away from them. It wasn't like we did it to spite them. Dad did this to try and make me feel better.
Dad doesn't seem at all unhappy about his decision, even with Tobias having a go at him about it at least once every other day. It seems he needed this move as much as I obviously seemed to. He seems to be liking the new job. It's keeping him busy. I just like the fact that he has his Sundays off. It means we can have our father/daughter Sundays and not have to worry about him being called out to work or something. They told him they would never call him on his days off, which I think is a total bonus, for him most especially, of course, but it means that I know if he's got the day off that it will remain to be his day off. No more worrying about the phone ringing and him having to leave for a good few hours. They always seemed to over rely on him when we lived in La Push. Whenever there was a problem, they would call him in and it just seemed a little unfair to cut into his time off. It might have been due to how small the place in La Push was and how they relied on every single member of their small collection of staff.
Anywho, roll on tomorrow.! Sunday is probably my most favourite day of the week. I don't have school, dad doesn't have work and we can just hang out. We manage to miss one another a lot due to the times we get up and leave the house during the week and, today, dad was definitely up and out of the house well before I even considered getting out of bed.! Sounds lazy, but it's only fair considering it's a Saturday. Granted, I know I'll get a lie in tomorrow and that'll only be until dad get's up and starts bugging me to get outta bed because he's bored. He's like a little kid on a Sunday. It's great. Ummm, I duno what else to write about now. I'm gonna wrap up this journal entry now because I probably won't have anything new to report later on. I'm just gonna try and get some reading done until dad comes home. I doubt I'll manage anything more than the reading catch up. I'm not focused enough for anything else...in saying that, I'm not sure I'll remember everything I read, but at least I'll be able to say I've done it.
Sunday, January 23rd, 2005
TBCWIHMM
Monday, January 24th, 2005
TBCWIHMM
Tuesday, January 25th, 2005
TBCWIHMM
Wednesday, January 26th, 2005
OK, seriously, this is starting to get so freaking annoying. If I'm not being ignored, I'm getting walked into and shoved around. I still can't decide which is worse, tbh. This school feels like it's screwing me over for no apparent reason. If it could talk or do anything besides just be a school, you know it would be all up in my face, taunting me for the fact I can't settle in here either. It's driving me crazy. Plus, I missed a class trying to find the damn councillor. She was off some place else and by the time she turned up, it was lunch time, so she didn't really want to deal with me. It just made me all kinds of irritable. Gah.! I'm not even going speak to dad about it. He shouldn't have to worry about this. I can sort this out for myself, right.? Thankfully, he's not home yet, so I have some time to calm down. I think a cold shower will do it...maybe a drive. I don't know. I'll try anything at this point. I think I'm starting to deafen myself with the loud metal music pumping straight into my ears right now.
Dad did call before saying he was working late and that I didn't have to wait for him to eat. Hopefully, I sounded okay on the phone...I can't really be that sure if I did...Maybe I could just drive up to Port Angeles for dinner or something. That way I can try and get this out of my system and work up an appetite or something...OMFG, I just seriously cannot believe today. Everything just felt like it was crashing down around me and the realization that maybe I don't belong anywhere has been harrowing me all damn day. Maybe I should just talk to dad about it...no, I can't do that to him. He's happy here. I'll just have to live through it...or dying trying or whatever. I mean, what are my options: stay here and let dad be happy, albeit, I'm kinda miserable OR; go back to La Push to live with one of my siblings and be totally miserable all by myself. Hmmm...it hardly bears thinking about when I put it like that. I'll give it until the end of the week. If I'm still unhappy, I'll talk to dad on Sunday...sounds fair really...
I just don't want to drag him down like that. I should have tried harder with people from the off, even if it meant I would still be in the same place now. At least I could have said that I really, really tried and no one paid attention to that. I suck at trying to fit in. Maybe it's just down to me. Maybe I should really think about totally blaming myself and not even consider that it's because of what other people think of me. Is it possible to be this socially challenged.? Is that even a thing.? Gah.! Now, I'm making up 'challenges' as an excuse to why I'm not fitting in again. What the hell.? I think I should just 'man up' as Dorian would put it. That's what I'll do. Tomorrow. I'm going to make myself heard. I'm not going to be part of the scenery anymore. I'm going to make sure the teachers sort me out with someone to help me, especially as seen as I'm incapable of doing that for myself. I'll just have to be more proactive. If worst comes to the worst, I'll just have to ask to change classes to something easier to cope with...
Thursday, January 27th, 2005
Well, today was certainly a lot better than the rest of my time here has been so far. I met this really cute guy. He's called Edward. He's my mystery classmate. He's from that Cullen family that the others keep warning me about. I personally don't see what's so damn bad about him. In my really honest opinion, he seems like a really nice guy and certainly someone I could easily get attached to, be it just as a friend or maybe something else. He's just that kind of guy and, I mean, I don't normally like anyone like that. He is like super nice, at least to me he was. Maybe I was just looking too much into it, imagining he was really nice, but that was actually his way of just being courteous...hell, that doesn't even make sense, either way he would have been nice...Man, I'm not making any sense whatsoever. Anyway, he invited me out for coffee later, to help me catch up...this whole day is, like, totally making up for my bad experience at the school so far. Who knew that one guy could totally fix my faith in this place.?
It probably doesn't help that he's super cute and, if I moved back to La Push, how the hell could I work him out.? There's no logic in it now. I know, I seem a little self centred. I mean, yesterday, I was spazzing out because I didn't fit in and, now, I definitely don't want to leave...over a boy.! That's so not like me.! Granted, the coffee thing isn't a date. I keep having to tell myself that. He asked if I wanted to go for a coffee, so he could help me start on my catch up. That's all it is: school stuff. It's so difficult telling yourself that when every time you do, your head is filled with a thousand and one things that are totally non-school related linking to the excursion. It's kinda all very strange at the same time though. I mean, I just met him today and he's already asking me to see him outside of school...now, seriously, I'm looking WAY too into this. I just need to live with it as things come, not over think this stuff. I've never done this before, for crying out loud, why now.? Well, there's a whole bunch of reasons that could answer that question, but still...come on.!
I haven't even decided what to wear or anything. God...like that's really that important: IT'S NOT A DATE.! I definitely need a shower though, so a change of clothes will be in order. I can't believe I've bothered to sign onto my computer and started writing in here and I still haven't done anything that leads to me getting ready to go out. Did I mention he's coming to pick me up, so we can go out.? How nice is that.? All because I don't really know much of this place still...God, considering how long I've been here, that looks so stupid.! I never realised that before...man, I'm stupid.! This is what I get for being a social outcast for these past few weeks. Still, it'll be a nice experience and it was really nice of him to offer. Man, I need to think of something other than 'nice' to describe him...He owns a Volvo.! Just thought I'd point that out, but who in the hell in high school can afford a Volvo.? I'll have to ask him about that one. Oh...ummm...speak of the devil...he just came online...I guess I better go. Laters.!
Friday, January 28th, 2005
Okay, so, first of all, I didn't ask for this.! Second: I have this whole new level of dislike for most of the people in my stupid high school.! Granted, Edward's still as perfect as he was yesterday, so I can't complain that he's making things difficult or anything. Everyone else kept giving me these looks of like pure poison, just because I was with him. They just sorted stared yesterday, but nooo, no more staring today, instead it was more like 'let's try kill her with a look'. I've not had so much attention in my entire time here and now this.?! Maybe hanging out with Edward wasn't such a great idea, but I can't exactly avoid him.! Plus, I really don't want it to come to that. He's the only person here that's bothered to give me just a first glance, let alone a second.! I'm not gonna abandon a new friend, just because I'm getting evils. No way.! I wonder if Edward noticed...God, part of me really hopes that he didn't, but part of me knows that he did. I'll just have to try and not think about it.
Now that I've said that, I probably won't be able to...Edward's online again. He started talking to me, which suggests he's okay now. He was pretty distracted all of today. It's nice to have someone to talk to while I write this. It gives me something to do. It actually makes me wanna write something, anything, even if it doesn't make sense in any way, shape or form. Check out the like double triplication there.! Total nerd moment. Sorry. Anyway, yeah, I'm talking to Edward yet again. He was practically telling me off for not doing work, but I have one too many distractions right now. I don't think he quite sees that...thankfully.! That was after he invited me out again: tomorrow, for some little party at his house. At least that's a good sign, right.? Like, with today...and him being all quiet...it couldn't have been my fault if he's inviting me out, right.? I'm not like the idea of the 'pink' he's talking about. It sounds like Alice is going all out, but pink.? It's like one of my worst colours. Oh, and Edward in a dress...Emmett (the bear) in a tutu...that's all I'm saying.!
It seems he's online avoiding the pink, fluffy party planning. Bless. Am I really flirting with him...or is that just my imagination.? I felt like I was yesterday too...I'm really not helping myself, am I.? Thing is it kinda seems like he's doing it back as well...I dunno. Maybe I'm just playing mind games with myself now. God, he nearly rumbled me for liking him...I need to focus.! Now I'm second guessing myself. Way to go, Damienne. I think focusing the conversation on his family was best manoeuvre yet. It stops me flirting and giving myself away. Though, I feel kinda better now: Carlisle's been teasing him by the sounds of things, just like dad's been teasing me. I would never have thought Carlisle would do that though. Great...the topic turned back to me...evasive manoeuvres.! I mentioned Alice and the party. Total save. I just invited him to stay over.! What the hell.?! OUR DAD'S ARE CONSPIRING.! They think he SHOULD come over.! ...and now he is...O.M.G...ummm, really gotta go now.! Can't sit around like this.!
Saturday, January 29th, 2005
I love how yesterday's entry is largely about Edward...and the fact that EVERYONE seemed to be having issues with the fact that I got to hang out with him. I think I was trying to distract myself from what happened on Thursday...after going out with Edward, we came back to a slightly damaged house and Edward refusing to let me into my own damn house. Granted, it sounds like he was saving me from something. My dad wasn't exactly in the best shape...and that's when I got to see him AFTER Edward and Carlisle had the chance to look after him. I cannot imagine what Edward walked into when he went up there first. I'm kinda glad he went up first and made me stay. I can't imagine how I woulda been had I seen my father completely messed up...in fact, I don't even want to think of it like that.! Carlisle says he's going to be fine, just out of commission, so to speak for a little while, just so he can heal properly. Thinking of that though, I can't imagine what it would've been like not having Edward around...
On a nicer note, I went up to the Cullens' today. Edward stopped over last night and we went up there earlyish this morning to escape my dad and Dorian etc., who turned up last night to check on my dad. I think Dorian had an alterior motive of meeting Edward as well. It seems they're all determined to conspire against me or something. Edward's family were all really nice. I felt a bit awkward at first and Rosalie was as Edward had described her: a little stand offish and inclined to throw me and Edward the random glare when she wasn't preoccupied with Fae. Fae is the most adorable little girl I've met.! Granted, I'm the 'little girl' of our family and I largely have nephews as opposed to nieces, but still, she was downright adorable.! It's so nice of the Cullens to look after her like they are doing. It sounded like she needed it. I wasn't going to question it too much: Edward told me enough about the situation so that I wasn't completely out of the loop and feeling like an idiot or something.
Alice and Carlisle were as lovely as I know them to be. Esme is great. That's Edward's mom. Emmett was friendly enough. He was as Edward described as well. He was huge.! He's totally built like a bear or something, which scared the pink tutu joke right outta my head for a little while. Then there's Jasper. Alice said he'd be a little strange because that was how he was, but he was lovely all the same. When Alice told me about Jasper, I couldn't begin to imagine what he'd look like or anything. He's so much taller than her, which is kinda cute and he's so...regimented, I guess. I don't know if that's the word I'm looking for...but I know what I mean. He was all proper, always standing like he was waiting for orders or something. I guess it's just one of those things. I can't fault him for it. We all have weird little quirks. Besides, it was great to meet them all and get that over and done with, without me worrying about it any more than I really had to. Plus, I got to spend the time with Edward, so, of course, I was absolutely ecstatic.
Sunday, January 30th, 2005
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Monday, January 31st, 2005
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